By Melisa Alaba
Since, moving to Atlanta I have heard multiple times that there just aren’t any good single available black men to date. When I challenge this statement I am often told “It’s hard for an educated financial stable sista to find a decent prospect.” Well I am here to announce that this statement simply isn’t true. Yes, I have heard all the statistics. I know all about the sociological issues that affect African-American men. But I am still not convinced that black single women are doomed or have to start kicking it with a female to survive. I also know that desperation has a scent! Men can smell it a mile away. We attract into our lives what we radiate from our core. So here it is ladies my tips on how to land your next or first husband:
- Be who you say that you want to meet. Get in touch with your spirituality and understand who you are and what you bring to the table. Ex. If you want a fit mate then get fit! If you want someone who values God then serve God. If you want someone who travels then travel. Don’t have higher expectations for your potential mate then you have for yourself. Devote time to get to know yourself. What are your likes, interest and goals? Who are you when the lights go out and no one is at home. Are you a homebody or are you spontaneous?
- What are you saying to yourself? Do you affirm your thoughts of finding a new love with statements such as : “There are more than enough available loving men for me to choose from.” Or do you say” There just aren’t any good men left.” As a child my grandmother would always tell me ” Melisa focus on your education because there will always be a man”. Then she would say ” A man is like a bus one comes along every 5 minutes”. Funny thing is that has always stuck with me. I have never felt stuck in a relationship because I know I can always have love if I choose. Grandma was so wise!
- Stop traveling in packs- Yes really… You can do something on your own. Start to enjoy yourself by yourself. Yes….Learn to love your own company. Take yourself out to dinner, a play or a spa retreat.
- After you discover who you are and what you like. Now go out and do some of the stuff that you haven’t done in years. Go skiing, travel or simply enjoy a good novel. Join an association or club that speaks to your interest. You will be surprised at who you meet. By the way the good men are usually not in a night club.
- Be open to love in what ever shade it comes in. After your trip on self discovery lane you may discover that love is more about mutual satisfaction rather than some arbitrary list you have. Relationships are work and you have to be ready to invest in yourself so you can bring your “A” game.
- Learn to flirt. Learn the art of smiling and simply having a conversation with the opposite sex. It is amazing to me that so many women do not even know how to talk to a man let alone land a new one. Or if a man simply says ” Good Morning” they take that to mean more than what it is. Relax and learn the art of conversation.
- Touch yourself regularly. No not like that! Get massages and give hugs to others. When you receive regular touches you won’t be so quick to go for anyone one that gives you affection. Loving yourself will allow you to know what real intimacy looks like.
- Recognize what true love looks and feels like. Hang around happily married folks. Watch programming that reflects positive relationships. I have seen so many woman continue their patterns of abuse with new lovers. So stop! Listen! and Reflect. Let go of the baggage of old relationships. Read some self help books if you need to ,but let the pass go.
- Don’t lower your standards in hope of finding joy or peace. You might find temporary happiness with a married or emotional unavailable man but soon you will have heartache. So stop and think about the consequences of your actions before you proceed. Ask yourself ” How will this affect me in the long term? Is this what I want to model to my children? ”
- Finally, don’t be afraid to try something new. When you have joy, peace and confidence in yourself you will draw potential mates with the same qualities. So don’t be concern at what color the package comes in. Just be concerned that it showed up on time and has everything that you desired inside of it. Dating outside of your race is not a crime. In fact, having this option will ensure that many more sistas gain the love and respect that they deserve.
Feel free to let me know how these tips have rescued your love life. I believe in you and I know God has a beautiful wonderful plan for you.
“The Vision Coach”
Do you like this article and want to reprint or share? You can, as long as you include this in its entirety: Melisa Alaba is a Life Coach and Counselor. Melisa founded Vision Works Counseling and Coaching to empower and inspire you to live your best life. Melisa helps her clients to discover their vision and purpose for life by providing holistic and traditional coaching methods. Melisa specializing in helping her clients; heal from brokenness, find balance in their personal or work life, improve your family life, revive a dream or to let go of past issues.